The Light Bearer

Photograph clicked by me on a walk down Viman nagar:

I look behind and after
And find that all is right,
In my deepest sorrows
There is a soul of light.

-Swami Vivekanand

Rishi Valley: Family of a sort

The girl second from left wearing my Black Sabbath tshirt is Tejal Johri, a weird person from Varanasi who used to call me 'Duckie' in an obnoxious manner, as can be imitated perfectly by Poopy, her lover.The one on the right with a pink jacket is Chetana Sabnis. She's a freak from Bangalore who used to call me 'Sushipaa'.

These two were my 'Mommy's in my last two years in Rishi Valley. They were loving and caring, would reprimand me when I needed, etc. You know. The whole mother-daughter thing. And would fight over their claim on me too. It was really nice. :) Tejal is now embarrassed by it. Sad.

These two were the ones whom I always paper chatted with. Tejal sat next to me in 12th and my chit to her would have to be passed on to Chetu who sat in one corner, and only when she replied would I get to see the chit again. The three of us waited everyday after Prep with anyone else who would like to join us. We'd sit under the Plumeria tree or in the backyard and talk about the day's happening. We'd tease each other, laugh, cook illegal Maggi, etc together and would always look out for each other in things. Fights would be resolved ASAP because it was too hard.

On Tejal's last night in school, she packed and woke us up at 5 in the morning. Three more hours and she'd be gone. We managed to get up, brush, and get out of Amaltash. The last walk as the three of us in this place. We went to the spot beyond Lost Pond where we'd had a house camp the previous year. We could see the three hills-RishiKonda, Middle Peak and Bodi Konda. We saw the sunrise together. We sat there, discussing how life would change for us. Then, we sat in silence. It was beautiful and overwhelming. We went to Senior School where Madiath took our photograph with his digital camera, something he almost got caught with by Sid M. We then rushed back to the hostel. Tejal went to have her last breakfast while we did her last minute packing. Then, the vehicle came and she said goodbye and left. Poopy and me ran to the gate to say Goodbye once again. It hurt. We knew it would. But there are memories to cherish and a friendship that will never be deterred. I'm just really glad they joined in the 11th! :)

Love you Mommy (1&2)

Duckie/Sushipaa...

I miss you guys!!!

The Pianist

The drama in my life goes beyond words
Yet the music encaptures the breaths I am living for,
My soul,yet unconquered,yearns to touch thee,
But circumstances forbid me from doing so.
The lady next door,the German,plays it herself.
If i did touch thee,I'd be dead.
She hates me without even knowing
My identity(what I knew of it) is dead.

I see you now,I can touch you.
My soul is set free as I do so,
My heart skips another beat,I've been dead so long!
Notes flow through my fingers and my hand gains control of me.
The yearnings of my past years' deaths coming back to me.

Confused state of mind

Its so easy to relate to what others are feeling because of the universality of emotions. If that be true, is there really anything truly 'unique' in this world? Is there even anything 'original' considering there is a lot that can influence a person to come up with something new, be it an idea, lyrics, a painting. Who gave the right to anyone who 'invented' something to take credit for it? Could it not be possible that someone somewhere had created the same thing, but had not had the means to claim it as his own? Correct me if I am wrong in thinking this way. When someone says that they are non-conformists, are they not conforming to the ideology of non-conformism? I am not propagating it, but why can violence not be justified? Not everyone has to go by Gandhi's " An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". Alongside violence comes love-for your spouse, for family, for your country, for your child. You see grave injustice committed against a loved one. Your child is killed by a robber trying to steal a few thousand rupees from your wife's cupboard. He is an innocent six-year-old boy who happened to enter his mother's room because he had been hit by the household help for getting the floor dirty. He only wanted consolation from his mother, who had stepped out to buy vegetables for the house.Instead, he was greeted by the robber, who was not expecting company. In his fear of the boy screaming for help, he shot him. Would the boy's father not want to avenge his son's death, even if it meant more bloodshed? Would that be 'violence' too? Who draws that thin line between right and wrong nowadays? Was just curious to know, since my conscience seems to be failing me of late

Delusional

This poem was based on 'The Reader' (For those of you who have seen it and remember the characters played by Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes). For those who have not seen the movie/do not remember the intensity of the characters, take it just as any other poem.

It bothered him that he had not achieved his dream.

It bothered her that she had been in a delusion the whole while.

A delusion of the love that he seemed to have offered.

Of the vows he pretended to take up.

Of the facade of a happy life together.

Of the umpteen memories,now too distant.

The fading away of once cherished times from her mind spoke for themselves.

She knew that she had been defeated.

All her life,she had taken everything that had come her way.

And now,it would all end.

By any means pursued,she would detatch herself completely,

The last thing she had to do.

Help!

This is a poem I just found written in one of my note books and decided to put it up.Though the feelings it expresses are in the past, the rush of the feelings again is overwhelming.

Help!

I cannot do this alone

I cannot keep walking the path of knowing.

I want to divert,yet again,

And step into that undiscovered lair,

No proof.

No sense.

A plunge into the world of dark,false hopes,waiting in corners to seize.

I'd rather the smile be shunned,

The only permitted feeling,pain.

For that is the only familiarity in this soulless dirty living.

A part of me ripped out,

Holding on to pathetic memories,and photographs,and scents.

They'll do me no good in the long-run,

My memory will fail me.

That is the fate I deserve,

And what I wish Thee grant me.

No escape

Entrapped in a world of singularity,

I feel alone, lost in the complexity,

It’s a new world I enter without you by my side.

Its new and scary, the rules I must abide by.

It’s been untold but understood that I must forget you

I despise my fate for having made me ever meet you!

Were you not in my life today I'd be free,

With myself and my thoughts, I wouldn’t disagree.

I'm happy it was you, and I miss the times

That we shared over the days, thirty-nine,

I know I’m selfish but I wish you didn’t leave

From neither me nor others can my pain be conceived.

You've touched a part of me that noone else has

My soul, if I have it, is now yours till my last...

And I saw her standing there...

The girl I've clicked in the photograph is Megha Bisaria.

Someone who lives in her own world and sometimes forgets how to get back to reality.

A friend, when needed and when she's not.

Funny, in an unconventional sense.

Has many blonde moments but yet, loveable.

Dances AMAZINGLY,especially to Papi Chulo and Head of My Class.

Food taste just like me-a lover of spices, Italian, Chinese, and the like.

Weird, in a good way.

In other words, one of my best friends.

Love you, Meg-Meg(I love embarrassing you. Sorry!)

Complexity/Simplicity

Life is not complex-you just don't see the simplicity in it!Its just funny how no one seems to care about the way their life goes by so quickly.They don't stop to think why they are who they are.They don't realize that being alive is so real!It is a true blessing in disguise.We take the familiar faces in our lives for granted.We hold grudges against people whom we choose to rule out of our lives.We make that extra effort to get some sort of satisfaction by fighting with people whom we then go on to say,do not matter to us.The world is a farce.No one can guess what may happen next and we constantly try and outdo our fate.It is such a pointless and tedious thing to do.Life is not going to stop the bus and wait for one more grumpy passenger.It will simply run over us without our realising it or maybe,if we're lucky,wait for the few lucky who hop on when the door opens,and in a moment's time,closes.That door is then never opened at the same bus stop for the people left behind.In this fast paced world,we either try to live as we are expected to or not bother running after the big yellow bus that is already four blocks down the road.As John Lennon says: "Life is what happens to you when you're too busy making other plans."

Unforeseen

Underlying the fear within was the deep irony of it all,

To carry the loss be the deed done today,and tomorrow,

For years to come it shall reside in me,

Thoughts so deep one could drown.

In the breathlessness of the moment,emerging from nowhere,

surrounded by the graves unburied,

Conviction needed to accept it.

To bear the loss alone I am willing,

After the decades of rotting,the belief shattered,

The legacy left behind with noone to claim it,

Lost,destroyed in time.

Murphy's Law: Verified!

Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Sadly, the law has applied to me one too many a times in life. I won’t be writing about the small incidents like wearing white on a sunny day that suddenly becomes a day with heavy rains, missing the bus by a few seconds, thinking that it is Media Laws class and you can walk in 20 minutes late but finding out that the class was instead taken by your HOD...I’ll write about the major incidents.

To start with the first major injury I still distinctly remember was when I was running up and down my steps in my first house on 12A, Judges Court Road while skipping alternate steps. After doing the same cycle of going up and coming back down a few fifty times, I was a little tired and on my way down, I felt slightly drowsy and lost balance and slipped on the steps closer to the ground than the top. I fell headfirst, bit my tongue in the middle of the process and passed out. I woke up in the hospital room after a few minutes, semi-conscious, and could hear that my tongue had been split into two and the part with the tip was dangling. After they operated on me and when the anaesthesia started wearing off, I was told that I had dissolvable stitches on my tongue to join the two parts once again. The only thing I was pleased about was that my diet would only comprise of ice cream and other soft food items. A stitch in time saves nine??? But what about the fact that a few months after that, my fingernail got stitched as it came under a sewing machine while the tailor worked at home? Murphy at it again, wasn't he?

The next example of how much damage the law caused me was when I was running after my dog, Smiley. I miss her dearly now. When I was 8, she stole my stuffed toy from my hand and was running around the house with it in her mouth. Her rounds of the house included jumping onto the sofa and leaping off. I must admit that I was not a very bright kid and when I tried to save my teddy bear from having its eye’s ripped out; I jumped onto the sofa and leaped with Smiley, forgetting that I would not land on all fours. I slipped, banged my chin against the granite floor, and passed out, as always. Another operation followed after the bleeding reduced, leaving the stitches still visible on my chin. A message for the readers- Please be careful! Keep in mind that you are a human, with 2 legs to walk on and no tail to hang from branches with.

The last incident was in May, 2006. This was one of the more recent episodes on the major scale. I was talking to Saurav Goswami, my handsome back up husband (who is madly in love with Manavi) at around 12.30 one night. I was locking my cupboard door after taking out something and my wrist got stuck in the space to be latched (on the left door of the cupboard) and my skin got stuck and pulled out. A lot of blood was involved. I told Saurav about it and he got freaked because I mentioned that it was bleeding and blood freaks him out! I woke up my mother who started panicking and making calls. Within minutes, my uncle had picked us up and I was taken to a nearby hospital. The skin was folded inside using tweezers and other medical equipments, I was injected with a Tetanus shot ‘somewhere’ and it was finally bandaged. The dressing had to be changed regularly and within a month, the pain had completely receded. Had it been stitched as was required (2^nd doctor’s suggestion), there would be no bump on my wrist as is there now as the proof of the efficiency of the damn law! Thanks a lot, Murphy!

Gossip Girl: A victim's story

I thought addictions and withdrawal symptoms apply only to drugs, alcohol, smoking and the like. Such a misconception! My recent addiction to GOSSIP GIRL has definitely proved me wrong! Three nights before my semester examinations began, when I should have been studying, I said to my roommate, “I’ll just watch one episode of it and see what all this fuss is about and stop at that.” She gave me a very knowing, scornful smile and said “Ya OK, Good luck with that.” I was even more eager to watch it with that remark and then, I realised, I could not stop. I lost track of time, lost sleep, refused to study and eat, all to watch 18 episodes of Season 1, each being 42 minutes long. So that’s 18x42=756 minutes=which is around 12 and a half hours. That time was uselessly spent finding out why Nate Archibald cheated on Blair Waldorf for her best friend, Serena Van der Woodsen, who despite her glamorous life, fell in love with Brooklyn’s Lonely Boy Dan Humphrey, whose little sister Jenny was trying desperately to fit in and whose father, Rufus, had dated Serena’s mother, Lily, in the past, who was now getting married to Bart Bass, the father of Chuck Bass, the college’s rich, spoilt playboy!

As is evident from above, I was pretty much hooked till I finished it. I’d stock up on lots of junk food so that I wouldn’t have to go down to the mess for meals and so to say, ‘waste time’. I do not know if it was worth it, but somehow, I did reasonably well in my examinations. I could not make Gossip Girl my incentive to work because the second season was not available for one reason or the other. Thankfully! As soon as the exams ended, however, I got season 2 and the folder with the 25 episodes (25x42=1050 minutes=17 and a half hours) was put onto my desktop. My laptop was only left for the food or the use of the toilet. I sat and watched it religiously screaming out only one or two words like “Bitch!”, “You can’t do that!”, “Awwww”, or other such reactions to the episodes. A sense of completion and achievement filled me when the last episode got over. But then, the paranoia started for the search of the third season. I am not wandering in the corridors of Mhada Hostel, knocking on random rooms, with a pen drive in my hand, hoping that some wonderful human being would be so kind as to give me all the episodes of Season 3 that are already out! Gossip Girl. XOXO

An Inner Revelation

The mirror I look into reveals nothing,
The girl inside it looks unfamiliar.
In those dark eyes that were once so expressive is a hollow feelings,hidden within the tears;
Tears that fall from eyes that only smile,shed after a long held wait.
As i stare hard,I see you in those eyes,
As i saw you many a time before,
As we sat under the starlit skies,the twinkle in your eyes and mine,
As we parted,the genuine unwillingness to let go.
The eyes that I see now are no longer full of the love that we once shared,
In the seemingly long summer months,
The thought of which i now dread

Survivor

This is the culprit for trying to murder the frog that just escaped it's death on the Sunday morning of 24th September, 2009. Preparations were upcoming exams were not going too well and to take out his anger with himself, 'Anda'-the Rishi Valley football team captain sat down by the pond and starting aiming and throwing pebbles on the frogs in it.Throwing tiny pebbles at the frogs that emerge on the surface is one thing. Taking a pole and prodding it till it dies is another. One message for you,Anda-Live and let live!

The survivor is shown below. At peace with itself and its surroundings.

Love,from the strangest corners.

Everybody has their own story to tell.

This woman who looks so distraught and angry actually smiled when I handed her a chocolate.

To me, she had looked like someone who looked incapable of feeling joy and emotions close to it.I was wrong.

She blessed me and told me that to her, I felt like the daughter she had never been able to receive love from.

I was moved but could not put myself to stay on and ask more questions.To talk to her.Help her.

For some reason, it disturbed me that I felt true motherly love from a stranger.

I shall go back someday and find her and thank her and give her what she deserves.

I can almost see her waiting at the corner of that deserted lane for her new found daughter to come back.

Strawberry fields forever...

Nikita Sarin. Another date?It would include taking the next bus out of here, go to Mapro, order THIS, go visit strawberry fields,go on crazy rides and devour Margarita pizzas together. Tempted much?

:)

For those who don't know, this is Nikita. Worth sharing your strawberries & cream with,isn't she?

Society (lyrics by Eddie Vedder)

Oh, it's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

When you want more than you have
You think you need...
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that...

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...