Jun 18, 2010

Chance encounters

We want explanations for everything-the cause and effect of rising Naxalism in India, the answers at the back of the Accounts text book in details, why Rahul never got together with Anjali in his college days...But some things in life just can't be explained. And when you realize how much they can affect you, you don't even want an explanation. 

You're sitting there in Hard Rock Cafe in a city that is not home for either of you. And you're talking. And the talking doesn't stop and neither of you want it to. Someone sings, the other laughs. Someone starts to talk about an uncomfortable topic(or so they think) but only the one who initiated that seems to find it uncomfortable and shuts up. Sipping on their drinks and stealing glances. An occasional blush. And something else. That factor which makes you hate your aunt for calling you up in the middle of this chance encounter with this handsome 'stranger' who seems to be making a place for himself in your life without your being able to, or even wanting to object. You must say Goodbye but you want to try and incorporate another plan for the night ignoring the fact that 'Junkyard Groove' would not be on your cards that night. You step out after obliging him to pay for you for lack of funds at the time. The hug. The anticipated hug that just does it for you. You know you don't want to let go. But you do. And you walk in opposite directions. And smile. 

Jun 17, 2010

There are no expectations, no hopes, no tears. There is nothing I have been familiar with till now.There is no emotional disconnect from what we had yesterday.Why can I not fathom what I feel as I write this?What has changed that is making me so restless,so lost? I am not confused about what I am to expect from you in the future. I do not keep any sort of expectations of you. Just be normal. But how can this end be so normal for you? Was it something you anticipated anyway that makes it so easy for you? Is it actually so easy for me not to want to be known as yours? Or am I trying to tell myself that it is for conveniences' sake? Do I even want answers?

Death: the only option?

Committing Suicide. 
Why bother when there is so much life has to offer? People cannot commit to relationships, to dentist appointments, to their child's parent-teacher meetings. But they can jump off a building, point a gun to their head, hang themselves or perhaps drink poison? What goes on in the mind of the individual who is ending his/her life, an act completely unfair to his friends and family who have done so much for his living.
*Moonlight Sonata playing in the background leading my train of thoughts in a particular direction*

You say you are depressed because of a certain problem in your life.But,
How could the person allow depression, a mental problem(in the initial stages) to become a physical problem? What can be so wrong to make a person THAT unhealthy mentally and physically. I have suffered personal losses also. I escaped it by going away to another state for further schooling. An escapist. But not suicidal. Could I have chosen the noose? Yes, I suppose. But I would have thought about how much it would affect my mother and sister after one loss already. Did I want to allow depression to rule my life? Honestly, sometimes it would feel like a safe bet. Wallowing in misery and self pity. But no good would come of that. Family members and friends have invested time and money in me in hope of me becoming 'someone' in life whom they can, with pride,say that they knew and had fond memories with.
How can one give their problem so much of an importance when they know that it is trivial as compared to other more genuine ones? 
A few things to be noted here: 
If you feel that there is a problem,be it small or big, try and resolve it on your own. Stop blaming others. If you need help, ask for it. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from near or dear ones or perhaps, even a complete stranger. Humanity is not dead, yet.

You must realize that there are many people with the same 'problem' as you, others who have also incurred personal or even financial losses, others who are just like you but for whom the intensity of the problem may have been slightly more or less. Stop in your tracks, count your blessings for what you have at least rather than cribbing about what you may never have, and then press the 'play' button in your life again.

I'm going to reiterate the fact that your problem will seem petty if you compare it to say, the problem of poverty, of sex trafficking, of water shortage. Your actions should justify your words. If you cannot act up on your yet, don't speak. But start thinking about these things at least. Someone once rightly said: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” A temporary problem that CAN be resolved!
Ask yourself these questions: 
How different ARE you from others? Is your problem that grave that there can never be a solution? Can you reflect back on life and not find even one instance where you were just happy and use that to keep you going in search of more instances like that? 
What's it going to be?
I don't know how far it is justified that I of all people am writing all this. But even if it doesn't apply completely, a discussion with some people over lunch made me start thinking on these lines. And writing about it is helping me get a slightly clearer picture of the concept of 'suicide' in my mind. Still a lot more reading and discussing needs to go into this and it will. 

Jun 16, 2010

Tongue Tied

This adorable creature should be out in the wild doing this! Not behind the horrible cage from where he cannot even smell freedom and can only stick its tongue out at its unwanted 'audience'. 

Jun 14, 2010

To Babu

Holding on to a false hope,
A deception awaits.
Forgiveness is sought for my words unto thee,
I yield unto thee in dismay.
A glimmer of light as he arises into the sky,
shielding the rapture within,
A new day, short but special,
to cherish what remains.
The answer you seek, the bliss from little moments
I hope,it be the gift you receive.

Jun 12, 2010


The Butterfly.
Merged with the skin.
I smile to myself.

The first crush

It is all right to feel vulnerable to that one guy who makes your knees go weak. The one who you will always remember as a fond memory in times past. The one whose presence you would find yourself immune to sometimes but at others, it made the world around you spin madly on...The one who made you start listening to the nicer songs made in this constantly changing existence of ours that seemed so meaningful when it happened. What was it?
The First Crush.

It was in the summer of 2007. The first time that I felt that someone could be something more than a friend. My crushes on Uncle Jesse(John Stamos from 'Full House') or Frankie Muniz(lead character of 'Malcolm in the Middle') never did seem too long lasting so I'd rather not write about one of them. Yes, now back to 2007, it was the strangest way to develop a crush on anyone. He was kicked in the butt by my friend(the common friend who made us meet) and he said 'I feel ANALLY VIOLATED'. That did it for me. The sense of humour, the charm that he was unaware of, how comfortable he made me feel in our first conversation that we had when I joined him at the back of the group to give that violated fellow company as his walk now became a slight limp because of the kick...

The next day, we met again. He asked me for my email address and we spoke online for a while that night. The next day, we played air hockey and I beat him. Something was definitely happening. That invisible force that I had read about while growing up was pulling us closer. There were butterflies in the stomach when we were forced to sit next to each other by our friends. There were butterflies when he called me up on the fourth day to ask me to be his date for a social gathering in Calcutta called 'Opening Night' of an inter-club sports carnival where everyone would be there. There were butterflies when we sat in the tennis court on Opening Night, looking at the Moon together as my head gently lay on his right shoulder. There it was. My first crush. And blossoming into something that I could not fathom the cause of occurrence of. 

There was a lot more to that summer with him. The first rush of feelings, the walks in the woods, the holding hands, the rushed meals together, him introducing me to the Beatles' music, the swims where I would show off by doing the Butterfly stroke, the visits to his house, his visit home when I was unwell, weird conversations about random things, playing football in his garden, the double dates and even once, a triple date, the first one month anniversary where I was gifted a Best of Bob Dylan CD by him but where I didn't get anything because we'd agreed not to get each other anything though he said those agreements are meant to be defied. Tricks of the trade that I didn't know then. Now I do. Now I look back at each day that I spent with him that summer and smile. But what followed after I left Calcutta and went away to boarding school left me Crushed. One year to get over it. Thinking about my first crush that became something more leaves me feeling weirdly happy(Very unfamiliar territory for me!). A perfect mix of good and bad memories enough to last me till my last crush(Ever?)...Maybe he's arrived on the scene already :)

This post was written for Blog Adda's contest: My First Crush. The Pringoo image for it can be found here

Jun 11, 2010

Walk Of Life

There are certain turns that your life unexpectedly makes sometimes that you just don't get the point of. Maybe that's because you're not supposed to. I suddenly realize that I am 19,for instance. There's no going back on the past years and there's a whole future ahead of me(I hope! ). So I try and take 'The Walk Of Life' with a smile...And on this walk, which happens to be in the rain and is more of a jog than a walk, I start wondering why it is that some people just can't be happy for others. Or for themselves for that matter. Why a friend has to hold on to YOUR past and haunt you with it. Why do some people believe that they are holding on to an almost broken thread when they know that it need not be the case and just truly saying what you feel could prevent you from having that misconception? 

And now, for some very odd reason, I am remembering myself swinging. The swing is put there especially for me when it is not the monsoons in Calcutta. It is in my grandmother's garden in her beautiful house in a small quiet lane in Alipore. I see the squirrels and the birds and the star-fruits. The ones that my grandfather would order the gardener to pluck for me before the crows ate them and then fondly send it to me knowing that I loved having it with black salt(which smells of fart,FYI). I get glimpses of the gray sky through the leaves swaying in the wind. I feel something refreshingly new. Freedom.