Lifefull

I can just see you now

Walking the lonely corridors

White gown, ghostlike and yet full of life.

You exude a glow too earthly,

It fills me with joy each time.

Unlike the grainy past,

Tonight and tomorrow is clear

He is no longer beside you

And yet, he is not far.

When you cannot but remember him

You will have me to hold.

I can just see you now,

You’re dancing with the wind.

Interview: Vidya Balan

Photo by B H Shivakumar

She’s been known to be true to her art, putting on weight for some films, wearing hideous clothes in others. But it’s that devil-may-care attitude that makes Vidya Balan stand out in the sea of Bollywood actresses today. She tells Metrolife about her upcoming film Ghanchakkar, her love for Bangalore and married life.

As can be seen from the trailers, Vidya is playing Emraan Hashmi’s over-the-top, funnily dressed Punjabi wife in the movie. “I’m not too much like my character Neetu Bhatia except in the sense that she’s very happy being who she is. She’s bizarre, gregarious and vivacious. Her take on modernity is the clothes that she sees in fashion magazines and eating roti with a fork. But she doesn’t know or care that people find her funny or outlandish. That’s my point of identification with her,” says Vidya.

After ‘No One Killed Jessica’ in 2008, this is her second film with director Rajkumar Gupta. Comparing the experiences, she states, “He’s one of those directors who will go down in history as someone who did groundbreaking work with every film that he made. I have a sense that whenever he does a comedy, it will be fantastic. There was a scene in ‘No One…’ where my character Sabrina bursts out laughing in court. It was such an unexpected moment but that made me realise that there was some comedy waiting to come out.”

Though her look in the film has been a topic of discussion, she confesses that she signed the film partly because of the challenge it presented. “Raj came to me after ‘The Dirty Picture’ and told me not to lose weight that I had put on. He said he wasn’t going to shoot me like a heroine, that the clothes may not be flattering. But he explained that this was only because Neetu was a real person. If ‘The Dirty Picture’ challenged my vanity, Ghanchakkar has destroyed my vanity,” she laughs, adding, “it isn’t me at all, but that’s the fun and joy of it. When I can’t recognise the woman on screen, it’s another high!”

Is she a natural at playing the role of a wife in real life too? She grins and replies, “Yes, married life is treating me very well. Ghanchakkar is Siddharth’s (Roy Kapur) and my first film together after marriage and so, it’s even more special for us. But he and I don’t discuss the film at all.”

She’s no stranger to the City and has, over time, accumulated fond memories of the gardens and restaurants here. “I have lovely memories of Bangalore. My sister used to live in Cox Town and I used to come down at any given opportunity. It’s just so airy, bright and cheerful,” she says, recalling how she used to have coffee at Indian Coffee House for only Rs 4.'

(The interview was published in Metrolife, Deccan Herald on June 29, 2013)

Full text:

What was your point of identification with Neetu Bhatia? How did you adapt to the character?

"You invariably find that point of identification with any character. That one strain is very important. I don’t think I’m a lot like Neetu Bhatia except in the sense that she’s very happy being who she is and I think that was my point of identification with her. The moment I began to accept myself the way I was, I became a happier person. She’s not just over-the-top, she’s bizarre, gregarious, vibrant, vivacious – all of that but obviously she wants to be modern and her take on modernity is clothes and eating roti with a fork. She does that and thinks she’s the cat’s whiskers. She doesn’t know or care that people find her funny or outlandish. Just the fact that she doesn’t care what people think of her was my point of identification. 

What are the considerations for picking a film?
It’s a combination of a whole lot of things. I’ve to instinctively connect. I always ask myself whether this is a film I want to watch on screen, if it’s a story I want to tell as that character because sometimes, I like the other characters more but you know it’s not for you. The rapport with the director, the studio backing it also matter a lot.

How does it feel working with Rajkumar Gupta again?
Incredible. He’s one of those directors, if I may say so, who will go down in history as someone who did groundbreaking work with every film that he did; someone who pushed the envelope with every film. Whether it’s an Aamir or No One Killer Jessica or Ghanchakkar, they’re all extremely different from each other. Having made the first two, I know that the suspense thriller is his genre. But in this, he’s combined it with comedy. I had a sense that whenever he does a comedy, it’ll be fantastic because there was this one scene in NOKJ because Sabrina, my character, bursts out laughing in court. It was such an unexpected moment but that made me knew that there was something waiting to come out.

There were reports that you gave some of your own belongings to the sets to make it homely?
No way! My Mom would kill me. They dressed up the house as very loud and my house is nothing like that. From my travels, people gift us things and those were lying around and some of those came handy. There’s no bling element to my house at all but some of these crystaly photo frames and things in silver that I had and don’t use were lent, or gifted to the Ghankchakkar sets. Also, because Rajkumar allowed me to visit the sets in advance and I gave some suggestions which they found valid and incorporated.

Compare the two experiences of working with Rajkumar.
It’s interesting that the same director who cast me as Sabrina wanted me to play Neetu. They’re like the North and South pole. As little as I spoke in No One, that much more in this film.  Even in terms of the colours; Sabrina was so stayed, as Plain Jane as Plain Jane gets. And this is a woman who is dressed like a Christmas tree most of the time. I’ve realised that his humour and drama are derived from real situations, real people and that’s what I find most exciting. When he came to me with this, he said she’s a real person, someone who doesn’t know much about fashion but who goes by what she sees in fashion magazines. After The Dirty Picture, when I gained weight, I’d just started exercising to get rid of the weight. But he came to me and said, if you hadn’t put on weight for this film, I’d have asked you to put it on. Don’t lose it. He said he’s not going to shoot me like a heroine, that the clothes may not be flattering. Because it is a real person. If The Dirty Picture challenged my vanity, I think this film has destroyed it. But I’ve enjoyed playing her. I saw the film a week ago and I understand now more than ever why he made me do what he did. I see a completely different person, which is so interesting. Initially, my costume designer had a problem because she did my costumes in Parineeta and said, how can I do this to you? But Raj said you’re not doing that to Vidya, you’re dressing up Neetu. There are fur nightsuits, which aren’t flattering. Some of the prints are too much. It isn’t me at all, but that’s the fun and joy of it. When I see that people and don’t recognize her. It’s another high.

On Bangalore:
I love Bangalore. My sister used to live here in Cox Town and I used to come here in any given opportunity. I have lovely memories and there’s good weather through the year! It’s beautiful to just drive by. We used to have coffee at Indian Coffee House for four bucks. It’s just so airy and bright and cheerful.

How's married life treating you?
Married life is treating me very well. This is our first film together after married life and so it’s even more special for us. But he and I don’t discuss Ghanchakkar at all. He was asked whether Vidya’s anything like Neetu and he replied, ‘definitely not her dressing’. But I think he likes it.

Interview: The Twilight Players

Ammo, Sinbad and Jimi

They’ve hijacked a stage, performed at all the big music festivals worldwide and can best be remembered by Indians for their groovy moves in Anurag Kashyap’s ‘Dev D’ in songs like ‘Pardesi’ and ‘Saali Khushi’. British-Punjabis brought up in Hertfordshire, ‘The Twilight Players’, as they call themselves, have an interesting story to tell.

After all, it isn’t everyday that three brothers decide to dance for a living. Their common love began when the eldest — Gurpal Singh Phgura, who goes by ‘Sinbad’  — was introduced to ‘Open Hand’, a precursor to hip hop and breakdance incorporating elements of funk and bop jazz, after which the other two followed suit.

“The thing about the dance is that because we’ve been doing it for so long, it’s more than just the dance. It allows us to play and move to music that we love. It’s about the music as much as the movement,” says Sinbad, adding, “For the last few years, we’ve actually been treated more like a band because of the way we put ourselves forward.”

Middle brother Amrik aka ‘Ammo’ emphasises their love for rhythm. “These days, a lot of rhythmical moves are being lost to trick moves and gimmicks. We stay away from that. Our dance comes from California, where back in the 70s, it was a rhythmic format. We stay true to that and that’s our discipline.”

“It’s the discipline to fall back on but the rock ‘n roll is the ska, Latin jazz and electro swing that’s throwing the disciplines away and leaving you with the raw energy on stage. The two elements — the disciple and the feel — work well. The music is cinematic and our shows are always a mad sporadic journey!” elaborates Sinbad.

The chemistry between them is tangible both on and off stage. “Jimi’s the youngest, most talented and most handsome,” jokes Ammo, too which Sinbad points out, “Ammo and I have to get noticed; Jimi doesn’t even talk but he’s the image of the trio. There are three different personalities coming together that complement each other. When we go on stage, it’s like entering another world of ‘The Twilight Players’. It’s like a cartoon!”

Sukjeevan aka ‘Jimi’ speaks little. But when he does, he chooses ‘Dev D’ as the preferred topic. “It was an amazing experience. We heard the music while in England and when Anurag contacted us, it was all quite organic. We didn’t know what we were going to be doing and initially, we didn’t understand the music. But after listening to it some more, the byproduct was what the audience saw,” he explains.

Sinbad adds, “We knew ‘Dev D’ was a game changer. We’ve also done Rohan Sipply’s ‘Love and All That Jazz’ and again, that was cutting edge. We pick things that turn us on. As artistes, we have to be in a setting that we’ve chosen with the right-minded people.”

Though the three have had many great shows, the one they recall best is the one they hijacked. “It was a few years back in London. The stage was empty at one point and there was a massive crowd. We gave the DJ the CD, asked him to put it on and hijacked the stage! It’s about that rock ‘n roll mindset and it was definitely a high point for us because it was a revolutionary move,” recalls Sinbad.

Bangalore, for them, is still unexplored and a relatively new City compared to Mumbai or New Delhi. But, as Ammo wraps up, “we’ll be back soon enough”!

(The interview was published in Metrolife, Deccan Herald on June 10, 2013)

Full text

On Bangalore:

Ammo: Me and Jimi used to come to Bangalore a few years ago to visit an ashram. So we’ve never really seen the real scene. But we’ll be back soon enough.

Sinbad: It’s the first time we’re performing in Bangalore – we’ve performed in Bombay and Delhi quite a few times. We’ve always wanted to come and people have been asking us and mailing. I’m glad that we could come now.

Jimi: I haven’t seen the city yet but the film city is quite something!

On what drives them to dance: 

Sinbad: The thing about the dance is that because we’ve been doing it for so long and how we do it, it’s really more than the dance. We’ve always kind of stayed out of the mainstream because it allows us to play and move to music that we love. It’s about the music as much as the movement. For the last few years, we’ve actually been treated more like a group, like a band. It’s the way we put ourselves forward. We’ve done six Glastonburys, all the biggest festivals and even there, we’re not a part of a dance show – it’s always been with bands. Our thing was to bring rock n’ roll to what we’re about through stage and personality. Above and beyond that, we can’t stop yet because there’s so much more to do. If we had stopped, then we wouldn’t be in Bangalore now. We kind of pick and choose the things we do but the right people always come to us, connect with us. That’s the reason we do what we do.

Ammo: We love rhythm and dance. And in today’s dance scene, a lot of rhythmical moves are being lost to trick moves and gimmicks. We stay away from that. Our lineage goes back to California, where our dance comes from. Originally, back in the 70s, it was a rhythmic format and we stay true to that – that’s our discipline right there.

Sinbad: That’s the discipline but the rock ‘n roll is the ska, Latin jazz, electro swing, which is basically throwing the disciplines away and you’re just left with the raw energy on stage. The two elements work well – there’s the disciple and the feel. We’re unique because of who we are – we’re Punjabi brothers born in England and having spent time in USA, India and other places too. The music is more cinematic – we try and take people on a journey. The show is always a mad sporadic journey of one kind.

On the club versus arena experience:

Sinbad: There’s no difference really. Our main thing is to always have a good time on stage – that’s what it’s all about. and when we go on stage, we actually enter another world of the The Twilight Players – it’s like a cartoon! So whether the stage is a small intimate one or a big festival’s, the mindset and intention are always the same. If you’re having fun on stage, people see that and enjoy watching the show. I wish I was a musician because then, I could express myself differently.

How is the chemistry between the three brothers: 

Ammo: (about Jimi) He’s the youngest, most talented and most handsome one. We have to get noticed – he doesn’t even need to talk. Jimi the Quiff is the image of The Twilight Players to a large degree. We can pretty much go unnoticed at various times but when we’re three of us, especially in India, you’d be surprised how many people spot us. Ammo and I can kind of blend in but Jimi the Quiff stands out!

Jimi: (out of context) “The hairstyle and look I had in 2008 for Dev D – it’s stayed put since then. Right now, I’m going for a Rajasthani moustache too!”

Sinbad: We’re all different. I’m the oldest and probably the most erratic, craziest in a sense. I let them look after me now because I’ve done the revolutionary stuff and now I’m sitting back. There are three different personalities that complement each other. If you see Twilight Players, it’s an umbrella of lifestyle forms – automobiles, photography, dance, music.  It fits different things and so we end up doing different things.

On Dev D and Bollywood being a space for such collaborations in the future:

Jimi: Dev D was an amazing experience. We heard the music while we were in England and when Anurag and Abhay and all contacted us, the whole thing was quite organic. We didn’t know what we were going to be doing and initially, we didn’t understand the music. I remember saying ‘what the hell are we going to do with this’? After listening to it some more and getting an understanding of it, the byproduct was what you saw in ‘Pardesi’ and ‘Sali Khushi’ and the rest of it.

Sinbad: It was unique because the music styles, instruments were organic. When you put these things together, something new comes out of it and I love that. That’s why I love to work with different artistes and it always makes us act differently. Bollywood’s getting better but Dev D was a game changer and we knew that. That’s why we waited a while and then did it. And to be honest, we’ve not done anything since. We’ve done a musical called ‘Love and all that jazz’ with Rohan Sippy and again, that was cutting edge and different. It has to be something that has to turn us on – as an artiste, you have to be true to yourself. And the Twilight Players are all about our truths. Everything that we ever do - the timeline connects. We’re the same people in different settings and it always works. But we have to be in a setting that we’ve chosen with the right-minded people and people we love.

Most memorable show:

Sinbad: There was one a few years back when we hijacked the stage in London at Brookson Academy___. We were going to do a piece and then things got out of hand. The stage was empty at one point and there was a crowd of a 100 thousand people. We thought this is ridiculous, gave the DJ the CD and asked him to put it on and hijacked the stage! And you know, it’s about that- it’s that rock n roll mindset. It was the best part of the evening and people still talk about that to this day. It was definitely a high point for us because it was a revolutionary move. After that, we actually left that hip hop dance scene towards different musical styles thinking they’d appreciate our dance. Especially in places where they’ve never seen dance before – like the first Glastonbury that we did – it’s not known for dance troupes. Going there with the crowd not knowing you was a challenge. We’re never complacent – we never sit there. It’s about entertaining youself and having fun.

Walking along

I find myself taking off my short as I walk down the pavement. It's a mechanical action that I don't quite understand. It's hot for a second; cold again. People look at me, seemingly disapproving of my pants now being pulled down under my legs. Before I know it, I'm crossing the road, gathering giggles from some, frowns from others.

I pass by a mirror. The greying beard and hair and stained teeth seem to seem too distant. It is as if I am supposed to know this man though I cannot register why.

This feels like an Aldous Huxley book coming to life. But I go on, gathering more onlookers. I look down to see bodily parts I don't believe are on my body. There is no life, no colour. I walk on.

The police come and stop me and someone asks me my name. I do not answer. They look for identification of some sort. There are none. My torn pants are another road and I am far away from home. Do I have a home? What is a home?

You've probably seen me before and wished you had unseen me. I'm the naked old man who lost his way. My mind has a mind of its own. And nobody's trying to fix me.

Away from the madness

It was truly the most beautiful sunrise. And I know everybody likes to say that about any sunrise that they watch from the hills or a beach. But personally, even if the aesthetics of it were not good enough for a painting to an artist, it was for me. Then again, it probably had something to do with the where and why of things.

After a long bus ride with only music and Woody Allen for company (I'm not complaining), followed by a fairly long auto ride in pitch dark with no battery on my phone, I had made it to the homestay. It was the kind of place where crickets ruled the sound chain, where the silence was so pure that it was actually disturbing to anyone arriving from a city. Just the right dose of nature for anyone even remotely missing its presence. Much to my Rishi Valley self's surprise, it wasn't that comforting being in the lap of mother nature. There was a fear of what the dark contained, the faces behind the sounds, the movement of the trees.

The flickering light made for interesting train of thoughts, allowing the danger to sink in, making me want to embrace it. I was beyond the judgment and madness and smoke of urbanisation - safer in a place unknown. There was more clarity in everything that the 22 years of my living had amounted to and for the first time in a long time, there was a sense of peace. Of belonging somewhere so detached from the normalcy of daily existence.

Initially, there was the restless sleep - the candle was right next to me, preparing me for the darkest hours of the night. The monkeys jumping around on the roof and the curtains flying in the wind seemed to add to the occasional shivers down the spine. But what followed was the most simple and deep level of rest. And when I woke up, it felt like the world was done spinning on its axis for the day - the most normal thing for it, a new way to see it for me. The change was almost tangible in the way my body warmed up to the sun's rays on it or the sight of a dozen shades of green I could see in the forest below. Spread out vast into the distance, it helped the realization sink in. And there was nothing more beautiful than its simplicity.

The view from where I sat.

Stranger

I see you sitting there wearing your black full-sleeve shirt. It doesn't look spectacular but it isn't too bad. I know you’re hiding your paunch under all those extra layers. We all do.

You have your hands on your mouth as if wondering why the three boys came and chose to sit next to you when all the aisles behind were free. And now you seem bothered by the four ladies behind you, giggling away to glory as they pass the camera from one person to the other so that no one feels left out.

You adjust your spectacles. I think that’s your best feature. Other than the fact that you were reading a book and came alone for a play, of course. You are like me, except I am you at gigs. And I sure know how much fun it is to experience what you are experiencing. I think.

May I please borrow your book? Any reading material will do right now.

I don't really know you, but I hope we meet again.

Death Lake

Soon before my college was coming to a close, my friends and I drove down to a nearby lake called ‘Death Lake’ or even ‘Suicide Lake’ by the localites. It’s a pretty self explanatory name and yet, something oddly intriguing about the cliff and this neatly chiseled out circular water body, the depth of which nobody knew. 

There were cars and corpses in it, they’d say. And yet, dhobis would sit by the edge smashing white linens onto the wet rocks every evening.

My friends had jumped in once. It was a Sunday and my mother was in town and I had not accompanied them. They all caught a cold that day. Luckily, I didn't.

The next time was the last time we all saw the lake. My friend took off his pants and jumped in. There wasn’t even a second thought about it. I saw another friend do the same. But then, these were boys who had experimented with LSD. And I've heard that sometimes, the effect never leaves you.

Well, I was sober. Too sober. But I did it. I made the plunge. No screams. Just a run up and a jump. 

The water pulled me in. It was deep. That is all I knew. I opened my eyes and there was green and blue around me – like trapped ferns in the beautiful world of their own. 

I don’t remember why, but it was the most alive I've ever felt. 

And at that single moment, probably the most dead.  

Love, or something on those lines

She poured out a glass of neat whiskey and dropped in a cube of ice. The glass immediately became moist on its outer surface. She picked it up, stirred it, and took a long sip, looking at him all the while. The man in the room stared at her, an eyebrow raised, arms folded. The drink was downed in two long sips and her twisted smile and the look in her eyes felt new and strangely nice to him.

Before he had showed up, her girlfriends had been over for an evening of catching up and bitching and reviewing each others’ lives. The ‘review’ was like an open forum between the four of them, where everyone could voice their opinion on the way each of them was living their lives. She had brought out the bottle before the review and kept taking swigs, much against the liking of the other three. She hated that they knew her so well, without her having to spell it out to them. She took another long sip, spilling some because of her physical instability. She put up her hand, almost as though she were ready to give a speech and wanted silence. The sentence could not even be started...

_____________________________________________

“You’ve had enough tonight, Fatty. No more!” he said, walking towards her in an attempt to take the glass.  “It’s the third time this week. I can’t keep com---”. “I never asked you to. If your fucking shoes had not made so much of noise, I’d have been happily passed out right now. You came to check on me? I’m fine. You’re dismissed. Go!”, she said. As always, she was convinced she had had the last word. 

He stood leaning against the wall as she got back into bed and pulled the blanket over her head. Two minutes later, she peeked out to see if he was still there. He was. She covered her face again, wondering if he’d go, half hoping he wouldn’t. She heard him walk towards the bed. His voice near her ears made her jump as he pulled the blanket down and whispered “You hate that I'm here, don't you? Or do you actually like me being here but want me to believe that you want me to go?”

She tried to stop herself from smiling. Why did they have to have a myriad of good memories together to cherish now that they’d apparently ‘grown up’? Eventually, the era of casual dating began and the childhood playfulness stopped. Other boys she believed she loved found a new place in her life. 

The warmth of familiar arms snapped her out of her reverie. They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, talking randomly about whatever came to mind. Finally, she tapped him on the back and asked him to check the time. “It’s us! Who would mind?” he asked her, surprised at her wanting him to go at this juncture. She just smiled. When he asked her why she was drinking so much, she gave him her innocent smile that he knew so well and said “Fuck you”, wriggling out of his grip. 

He jumped off the bed and looked at her. It was now or never. He held her face in his hands and kissed her. They were warm and smelling of more whiskey than he’d ever had in his life. “And you will stop drinking so that the next time we do this, I don’t feel like I’m kissing a whiskey bottle!”, he said, pulling himself away to look at her and say what he had to. She laughed at the comment and tried to find words to apologize. He looked at her, predicting her reply to what he was about to say next. Her eyes had given her away too long ago, but he had not been able to read them or his own, till only recently. 

“I love you. Marry me and let me look after you every single day of my life from now on, all right?” She looked at him, intrigued by whether she was too drunk to make sense of this joke he seemed to be playing, or whether it was oddly real. “Okay.” “That’s all I get for finally doing something that feels more right than anything I have done in the world? What has the world come to? Where is the appreciation for me being a man and all? You’ve had it!” And he proceeded to tickle her till she was laughing so hard that her stomach cramped and she had to beg him to stop. He had pinned her to the bed with all the tickling. She stopped struggling to get free of his hold. They were both breathing heavily and she caught her breath and said “I think I love you.” He just smiled. 

January

It began soon after I met you. Could I call it the best time I've had in my life? Probably not, since I believe I'm too young and refuse to go under a bus anytime soon. But I remember a series of chest pains due to excessive laughter and alcoholism. God bless you for that. It was like watching yourself grow up as another person. And I could not bother trying to make sense of it.

You were a child when I first saw you. Sure, you were 17, but that counts as a kid considering how you used to be. Yes, you smoked a cigarette back then too. But I'm afraid the maturity was not introduced due to inhalation of disgusting tobacco that will eventually lead to your death. But don't die, please.

If you remember clearly, there were always a dearth of awkward moments with us. In hindsight, there ought to have been more. We were probably supposed to just get along right from the start, which is strange. There was no 'working on'. Why not? The rum and vodka shots were not supposed to replace that. Sigh.

January, bro. I wish I remembered anything of that time. And I still managed that bloody Project 366 blog throughout. Such a blur. It reflects on the writing too, I must confess. But I would do anything to get that back - the pizzas, the phone calls to the grocery store, the forgotten existence of this place called college. C***s of the first order, if I may say so. I love you for bringing that part out. You complete me. 

Ah, yes.

These days aren't coming back, are they? This is it, right? You get to decide what memories (hopefully) you wish to create for yourself for the future, but you don't know what really lies in the future. And in that case, what's the point of making elaborate plans and having a pre-mature death for a reason you won't know till it hits you?

Some things appear so far gone in the past that you're not sure if it's worth including into your present in that same measure, and unfortunately, it's your present that determines your ****ing future. It's a viscous cycle and you don't know how to get off it or if you want to and what you want or don't want for yourself. You thought you were too young to make these life decisions on your own. But you're a few months away from turning a year older and this time, there's actually a certain maturity, or complete lack of it. It's disturbing to know that though others may not agree, you still feel too independent for your own good. You want to make the plunge, and yet, you have no clue how to even begin.

I must not regret this.

What if they forget me?
Have they already?
Did I even want this for myself in the first place or do I want to get back onto my intended path?
What path was I on anyway?