Femina: 29th December, 2010 issue

Last October, on the day of the book launch in Oxford Book Store, Kolkata, the publisher of Urban Shots, Ahmed Faiyaz, told me that a Femina writer wanted to write something about me and my writing or something of the sort in one of the next few issues of Femina. I did not believe it when he said it, but Ms Panna Saroopa somehow did it! Thank you so much, Panna. Your articles are a delight to read. :)

So here it is, folks. Feels like I'm on the right road, for once. [The column is called 'Fastest Blogger In The East'. It's not an article headline.]

The Wall: To scale or not to scale?

He stood at the boundary wall looking at her. He could scale it. But should he?

She stood at the other side, afraid of letting him in, of taking the plunge.

He shut his eye for a moment, thinking it through.

She stared, eyes wide open.

He knew that she could see the lies through him. For once, he had no cover.

She knew him well, but it was not enough. Despite his mistakes, she wanted to explore more.

He wanted to change but knew not how.

She accepted him for who he was, but he scared her.

He wanted to cross over to the other side and hold her. But for her, would the other side be good or bad?

She wanted to throw all pretence of being understanding behind her.

He wanted to try and chuck rationale off the edge of the cliff.

Would she ever really get him?

Would he ever know what he wanted for himself?

She smiled.

He returned it with a confused, lopsided one.

She climbed onto the wall.

He was there at the other side, ready to catch her.

In/Out?

I remember a game I used to play in Modern High School when I was really young. It was called Andar-Bahar. All the players had to stand in a line and there was a 'caller' who would either say 'Andar' and everyone would have to hop forward and if she said 'Bahar', you had to jump back. If you hesitated or stumbled, you were out. The winner was the one who could move in and out the fastest.
Unfortunately or fortunately, life does not decide the winner like that. You can't move in and out of lives at your own will. If you're in, you're in. If you're out, you're really out. And more often than not, there's no coming back in after that...

Moods

Moods. They differ. They come in different shapes and sizes. Some are easy to tame. Some aren’t. But they can hit you. At any given time.  A rush. Maybe they are good. Maybe they are not. But they happen. And you might as well be glad that there is some change in you. You can’t always be happy. You can’t always be sad. And those are just the most basic moods to be in. There are many more! So should one just take it as it comes? Not feeling more than one emotion goes against human nature. Doesn’t it? 

Finding You

I hope to see you again.

I hope you will remember me.

I hope that you will remember you.

I said my Goodbye. It was not something new and this had been done every time I left town for boarding school/college. But this time, it felt more like a Goodbye than it ever had in the past. I walked away, not allowing the tears in, cherishing the moment that had just gone by, hoping that there would be another moment like this five months later. I walked to the swing, hesitating with each step, knowing what getting onto it could do. You face your sweetest memories as a part of a nightmare sometimes.

One kick, and I was off. My feet dangling from mid-air as I started swinging under the starfruit tree. I looked up and realized how much the tree had grown. I looked at my hands clutching onto the swing and realized how much I had grown. The tiny hands had been replaced by bigger ones that had learnt the power of taking things into one's own hands, the carefree girl who used to swing once upon a time now had too many things to worry about, the childhood that she was still trying to live in wasn't going to come back.

An intangible loss. A loss which may not be a loss but it feels like it is. As much as you'd try, there's no finding it again. The seemingly only shot you have to come remotely close to what was is to find yourself. Perhaps. Hopefully.