For all that counts, I do still miss you. I can't go and say that to anyone because I don't know how many you did impact by your being, despite no words. But you mattered a lot to me. The first time I set my eyes on you, timid, cooped away in the corner of a cage, I wanted to keep you. I was 5. Small flat on Gariahat. You'd even fit into Papa's boots! Once, you ran down when someone left the door ajar. We got the fright of our life seeing you on the road, scared, unprotected. I made you a card to apologize. I still keep it. I remember bringing you to the house we now live in, where you took leave.Or more so, were made to. But it was for your own good. You should not have suffered so. All the times when I just needed to hold something, it was you. I'd whisper silly things as a child into your ears when I felt I had no one. But you were there. I didn't realize it till I grew slightly older. You were even my roommate in the Doll House I constructed. With your own black and gray blanket & red and brown jacket. We both had Hydrophobia at first. I eventually got past it. You did not. But I tried to help you get over it. Some things never change. You'd fight with me over pebbles. You killed the mouse that jumped out of the A.C on the neighbour's doormat! You never did like them, did you? Why was there a mouse in the A.C again? I'd love seeing you run across the big field in the college nearby. I never did have as much stamina as you did! Never failed to amaze me. Your green bowl for the rice and the remnants of the sweet or the cookie crumbles or the milk. Your lovely brown eyes. Your bad ear, flopped down in the cutest manner with the other one standing up at the ring of the door bell. Your running and barking at whosoever it was. The umpteen bites I deserved for putting my hands in your mouth. Your eating biscuits off my head. Your licking my face when I'd wake up. Your jumping onto the bed and making your way to flirt with the German Consulate dog whose name started with an 'L'. Your apparent shyness towards the street dogs!
The last time I saw you before I drove off in the car and went to school. The hug I suspected I would never receive again. The disappearance of the hair, the fat, the energy. The call that told me that it was better for you. That you would not have to suffer anymore. That at your age, operating would be more painful and risky. Holding onto the receiver awaiting the news of your demise. The emptiness and guilt being so far away, not having had the chance to say Goodbye. The love that came rushing knowing that it would never be the same. The unwillingness to enter a house again where no barks welcomed me, no jumps & licks to make my day. The visit to the grave. The gravestone with your photograph and words to hope that your new home is nice enough. The hope that you are okay up there. I'm not,down here. But if you are, it's fine. I miss you,though.
Much love,
:)
